Looking in the Mirror

So far, these posts have largely been about my adventures in Nepal - the things I've done or discovered since being here.

This might be a bit of a change of pace, but I'm gonna share a few more serious thoughts that I've been having lately.

I don't know if you have days (weeks or maybe even months) like this, but over the last week or so, I've been feeling kinda down on myself.

I think it started when I read this book that made me realise that sometimes (or maybe even more than sometimes), I'm afraid of doing new things out of fear of failure. I don't want to look like an idiot, so in order to protect my pride, I don't even give things a go. I fear people's judgement of me more than I should and it stops me from stepping out and doing things.

Then, last weekend, I went to this massive festival where there was lots of music and people dancing and the friends I went with were really getting into it and dancing along but I felt kinda uncomfortable and out of place. So I started to question myself - Why aren't I more of a fun person? Why do I find it so hard to let loose? Why isn't my personality more carefree?

I've also had experiences where I've shared my opinions or made contributions to a discussion and have felt like those opinions have been dismissed as stupid. I'm not usually one to say much in meetings anyway, but this has made me more self conscious about sharing my thoughts in the future.

And so, as I've been feeling like rubbish and questioning my value, there's been a battle in my mind about where I find my identity.

If I were to 'look in the mirror of the world', what the world tells me I am (or what I perceive it to be telling me) will stare back at me. Unfortunately, people say or do things that unknowingly make me feel dumb and if I keep basing my identity on how others make me feel, then I'll probably continue to feel crap about myself and my self esteem will get a beating.

If, however, I 'look into the mirror of the Word', all the things that God says I am as a new creation in Him (2 Corinthians 5:17) will stare back at me, and it becomes less about me and how I'm feeling, and more about who I am because of Him. When I look at who God, in His Word, says that I am, even if I don't feel loved or valued or important to anyone, I know that I am (Ephesians 1) because I believe that God's Word is Truth, and truth trumps feelings any day.

In James 1, the Bible talks about looking at yourself in the mirror, then going away and forgetting what you look like. I've read verses about 'Who I Am In Christ' so many times, yet I still forget what my true identity is and let my feelings dictate how I see myself. To make sure I get an accurate reflection of who I really am, I need to continue going back to the 'mirror of God's Word'.

It is a battle, and there are times when I have to fight harder than at other times, but I know that to be victorious, I need to continually be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2)

Life is an adventure and an incredible journey with God...thanks for sharing in it with me!

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Food Fail

It's been awhile since I've blogged, partly cos I'm not sure what to write about and partly cos I've been busy and haven't had time to, but today I had a bit of a fail which I thought would be funny to tell you about.

At school there is someone who cooks lunch every day for the teachers. Every 2 weeks, she puts out the menu for the following 2 weeks, I look at what's being served then go to the accounts office and order my lunch (it's 85 rupees if pre-ordered and 100 rupees if ordered on the day so I usually try to pre-order). Most of the food she cooks is really good but there are a few dishes that I avoid if possible.

One of those meals is this bean and paneer dish which I don't particularly like. 'What's paneer?' you may be asking - good question...I don't really know. It's some kind of cheese with a really weird texture that is often put in curries or as a topping on pizzas.

So over the past few months, whenever the menu's come out I've looked to see if I could spot the dish but I didn't know what it was called which made it a bit hard to avoid it.

One day, I went to the cook and asked her what the dish is called. In response she said 'Oh, do you like that one? I'll cook it for you soon!'. Gauging her enthusiasm, I couldn't well tell her that I didn't like the dish so just smiled and went away.

A few weeks ago when the menu came out, I saw that this paneer dish was on the menu so I made of point of not ordering it and hoped that the cook wouldn't notice.

Sucks to be me - she noticed.

Today (the day the dish was to be served) I was in the staffroom at morning tea time and she called me into the kitchen, saying 'look what's for lunch today! Do you want to order it?!' She then went over to the lunch order list and pointed out that I hadn't ordered lunch for today. Awkward since she could see that I'd ordered lunch for every other day for the past 2 weeks!

Then, at lunch when I went to get my food, she kept saying 'this is Sandra's best meal!' and gave me a bigger than usual serving.

FAIL!!!!!

Oh well...looking forward to more adventures ahead!

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