It's hard.
The last 8 months have been an interesting time of transition for me...one which I still find myself in but hope, as I settle back into life in Nepal, will not continue for much longer because, as I just mentioned, it's hard.
After 2.5 years in Nepal, in December 2012, I went back to Melbourne for Home Leave...my first time back since I left in 2010.
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| With my parents, the day I arrived back in Melbourne |
I got home in time for Christmas, which I was happy to spend with my parents and younger sister, Bek.
At that time, as I visited friends and noticed that many of them now had TVs you could plug a USB into (they didn't really exist before I left for Nepal), I felt a disconnect...how could these two worlds coexist- one where people had so much, and one where people had so little? Why was I so bothered by the materialism and consumerism I was seeing in Australia?
I soon realised that for the past few years, I had been living amongst people who had so little, yet were still content. What I was seeing in Melbourne was that people often didn't feel content unless they had the latest thing.
I could easily have become all judgemental, but needed to remind myself that for someone who's never experienced anything other than the abundance of the West, they'd have no reason to think any differently. I was also very aware that, being in a place where so much was available, I could easily slip into being consumeristic and start feeling discontent with what I had.
Having said that, these two worlds do co-exist and I constantly find it hard to reconcile them in my mind.
Anyway, shorty after New Year, Bek moved up to Queensland, so I spent some time driving her car up for her, then spent 2 weeks with her in Hervey Bay, helping her find a place to live and just hanging out.
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| At Tahlee |
I then headed to Tahlee Ministries where I spent 3 weeks completing a Cert IV TESOL and Cert IV Training and Assessment in preparation for the work I would do with KISC EQUIP (www.kisc.edu.np) once I returned to Nepal.
At the end of the course, I was to fly back to Melbourne for the remaining 3 months of my Home Leave. When it came time to leave Tahlee, I was faced with a question I'd never had to worry about before - who would pick me up from the airport?!
Usually, it would be my parents or Bek who would come and get me, but my parents had returned to their job in South Korea, and Bek was now living in Queensland! Sure I had friends in Melbourne, but I'd been away for a few years and hadn't had time to re-connect with them. I was unsure where I stood in many of my friendships and didn't know who I could ask a favor of. Talk about feeling alone! (Thankfully my aunt kindly picked me up from the airport.)
The next few months I had in Melbourne were fantastic. I spent most of my time reconnecting with friends, sharing about Nepal with different groups of people and enjoying all the good food and coffee Melbourne had to offer.
In May, about a month before I was to return to Nepal, people started asking 'are you excited to be going back?' At the time, I didn't want to think about leaving the comforts of life in Melbourne and so, I usually responded with a hesitant 'Yeeeeeaaaahhhhhh, kind of.'
As time drew nearer, my enthusiasm about coming back didn't pick up, which always made it awkward when people asked me how I was feeling. I WANTED to be excited but I just wasn't.
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| Friends I've had the joy of journeying with for years |
I'd just had a fantastic few months reconnecting with friends who I've done life with for years...people who knew me, who I shared history with, people who I connected with because there wasn't all the cultural stuff to get past...and the thought of coming back to a place with a highly transient community, where friendships lasted a year or two, was not enticing. I also knew that when I returned to Nepal, some of my closest friends would be leaving, and I would have to start getting to know a whole bunch of new people. The thought of the effort it would take was (and still is) draining!
Leaving Melbourne was HARD! SO much harder than when I left for Nepal the first time. Maybe it's because when I first came to Nepal, everything was new and exciting! I didn't know what to expect so just took everything in. Coming back, I knew what life would be like. I knew that the roads were pot-holey and dusty, that people drove crazily and food never quite tasted how you thought it would. I knew the every-day challenges I would face and the thought of going back to those were less than exciting.
As I prayed, asking God to give me an enthusiasm about my return, I was reminded of the words in a song called 'I surrender all':
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I surrender all,
I surrender all,
All to thee, my blessed Saviour,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken...all those years ago when I made myself available for God to use me wherever He wanted, I surrendered all to Him, comforts included. I was reminded that following God wasn't always going to be easy and that my contentment needed to be found in Him alone, not in what I had around me.
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| Streets of Kathmandu |
I'm glad that through all of this, I've had an unwavering peace that I'm meant to be in Nepal. If I didn't have that, then coming back would have been even harder than it's already been.
I've cried more these last few months than I have before. Saying goodbye to friends and grieving the loss of them in my every day life is something I've never really done before, but have realised is important for me to do.
Transition is hard but it's a part of life. I'm working hard and putting things in place with the hopes that next time, I'll be able to do things better and maybe, just maybe, it won't be as hard as it's been this time 'round.
2:00 AM
Sandra Oh
